It's 1:02 in the a.m. I've been in bed since 11:30 p.m., but I'm still awake. This is frustrating primarily because I am exhausted and I have a full day tomorrow so I was hoping to get some rest.
...Alas...
As sleep is not currently in the cards I figured I'd blog it out.
You may recall that when I started this blog I was hoping to figure some things out. You may also recall that I've been doing a bit of psychoanalysis lately regarding my mechanisms of coping etc.
Well I've come to a few conclusions.
Those being
a) These behaviors are unhealthy,
b) I would like to change them,
and
c) They are related to my past.
You see... there are a lot of secrets that I've kept for a long time. Many of these are secrets that I didn't know I was keeping. Things that I never told anyone primarily because I was too embarrassed to do so or because I didn't know who I could go to talk about them so I'd conditioned myself to say nothing. This habit has been hard to break.
I've conditioned myself to keep quiet and I do... all the while channeling my stress, anxiety, or whatever current issue might be plaguing me into frequently unhealthy behaviors. Granted, I didn't have the best models for coping growing up, but do I want that to be an excuse for perpetuating the cycle?
No.
So I've been thinking and I've decided that these behaviors are symptoms of something bigger.
My inability to let people in or to lean on others,
My tendency to trust the wrong people,
My habit of holding things in,
Of developing unhealthy mechanisms of coping,
Of constantly questioning my own capabilities,
Of internalizing things that I have no control over and blaming myself for those same things,
and
The consistent insecurities that these habits come with are all part of something bigger.
They are the symptoms... My past is the disease.
And much like any nasty bout of infection, you have to treat the disease to alleviate the symptoms.
In a lot of ways, simply sharing my story recently has put some changes in motion for me.
It's allowed me to let go of some of the emotion that is tied to those events.
But now I want to work on modifying these behaviors.
As changing patterns of behavior and processes of thought is a little easier said than done,
I recognize that this will be a process.
...So, here goes...
Wish me luck <3.
You may recall that when I started this blog I was hoping to figure some things out. You may also recall that I've been doing a bit of psychoanalysis lately regarding my mechanisms of coping etc.
Well I've come to a few conclusions.
Those being
a) These behaviors are unhealthy,
b) I would like to change them,
and
c) They are related to my past.
You see... there are a lot of secrets that I've kept for a long time. Many of these are secrets that I didn't know I was keeping. Things that I never told anyone primarily because I was too embarrassed to do so or because I didn't know who I could go to talk about them so I'd conditioned myself to say nothing. This habit has been hard to break.
I've conditioned myself to keep quiet and I do... all the while channeling my stress, anxiety, or whatever current issue might be plaguing me into frequently unhealthy behaviors. Granted, I didn't have the best models for coping growing up, but do I want that to be an excuse for perpetuating the cycle?
No.
So I've been thinking and I've decided that these behaviors are symptoms of something bigger.
My inability to let people in or to lean on others,
My tendency to trust the wrong people,
My habit of holding things in,
Of developing unhealthy mechanisms of coping,
Of constantly questioning my own capabilities,
Of internalizing things that I have no control over and blaming myself for those same things,
and
The consistent insecurities that these habits come with are all part of something bigger.
They are the symptoms... My past is the disease.
And much like any nasty bout of infection, you have to treat the disease to alleviate the symptoms.
In a lot of ways, simply sharing my story recently has put some changes in motion for me.
It's allowed me to let go of some of the emotion that is tied to those events.
But now I want to work on modifying these behaviors.
As changing patterns of behavior and processes of thought is a little easier said than done,
I recognize that this will be a process.
...So, here goes...
Wish me luck <3.
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