A Quandry

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

My quandry?

Why am I here?

...in Medical School...

Why am I here if it is affecting me as it is? The constant state of stress, the social sacrifices, the tendency for it to fuel insecurity, and more or less the general funk that it sometimes (more like often) puts me in.

What was most disturbing to this quandry (yes, quandry) was that I couldn't find an answer.
I've lost sight of why I'm here.

So I've been thinking... a lot.

In all honesty some of this thought has been spurred by the fact that we are studying psychological disorders in class and by doing so I've been analyzing myself and my past a little more than usual. I think it's good. It's motivating me to work through some things that I don't think I've fully worked through and to change some behaviors and thought processes that I think need improving. But all this thinking is taking a toll on me.

They say that things have to get worse before they get better. Rehashing my past has a way of causing a certain amount of pain... that's the worse. But what I'm hoping is that by doing so I'll reach the better, that being a better understanding of why it is I do and perceive things the way that I do and that by identifying this why, I'm hoping that I'll be able to change my behaviors and thought processes for the better.

...The caveat to all of this internal questioning...
I found my answer.
Why am I here?

I want to help people.

Cliche?
Perhaps, but hear me out.

I feel that I have been through a lot. I don't want to play the martyr, but the things that I've been through have affected me. They have left marks that have not fully healed and perhaps scars that will never fully heal, but I truly feel that it is these same things that make me beautiful.

Because I have lost, I can commiserate. I see the weaknesses in people, their frailties and I want to help, because in a lot of ways I feel that I have been there.
..I've been in situations that I can't control. Situations that were bigger than me. Situations that I could not fix...

I want to fix people.

Because I feel that I especially can, that my experiences have made me strong in as much as they have made me weak, and that if I can channel these experiences into understanding myself better, into being able to help others more fully, then I will not have experienced them in vain.

...So that is why I am here...
I want to help people.

I just needed a little reminding, that's all.