All this focus on love got me thinking and a little reflection into my year in dating led me to notice a pattern... I am fatally attracted to Douchebags.
I know… You’re probably just as surprised by this finding as I am, but trust me it’s true.
Urban Dictionary.com defines the Douchebag as:
1) Someone who has surpassed the level of jerk and a**hole, however has not yet reached the level of effer or (full blown) mother effer...2) Someone who has an over-inflated sense of self-worth compounded by a low level of intelligence
These definitions may sound harsh, and though I've dated a variety of guys over the last year, I assure you, they all were in fact different species of the same breed... The Douchebag.
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
1) The Cheater: aka Douchebagius infidelitus. This one’s pretty self explanatory
2) The Predator: aka Douchebagius skeezius. He literally tried to use logic to coerce his way into my pants. Let the scoreboard show: Me - 1, Predator - 0.
3) The Stage-5-Clinger: aka Douchebagius obsessious. Note to all: Passive aggressive Fb statuses are NOT a good way to get a girl’s attention.
4) The Judger: aka Douchebagius self-righteousius. Time to grow up, enough said.
5) The Manipulator: aka Douchebagius Pervius. Once I called things off he launched a series of blatantly sexual attacks via Fb chat and message. Real classy, kinda scary, and straight up internet predator… De-friended!
2) The Predator: aka Douchebagius skeezius. He literally tried to use logic to coerce his way into my pants. Let the scoreboard show: Me - 1, Predator - 0.
3) The Stage-5-Clinger: aka Douchebagius obsessious. Note to all: Passive aggressive Fb statuses are NOT a good way to get a girl’s attention.
4) The Judger: aka Douchebagius self-righteousius. Time to grow up, enough said.
5) The Manipulator: aka Douchebagius Pervius. Once I called things off he launched a series of blatantly sexual attacks via Fb chat and message. Real classy, kinda scary, and straight up internet predator… De-friended!
I could go on, but as I fear some of my recent beaus may have access to this blog, I'll stop here and assume you've got the point. I also recognize that after reading all this you may be asking yourself: Who's the bigger douche- the douches themselves or the girl they keep on tricking?
Don't be too quick to judge me. These species aren't quite as easy to spot as your everyday strategically spiked hair and popped-collar wearing douches, but I think I've finally got it down. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
*** To protect the anonymity of each bag, the use of names was avoided... But... You know who you are, Douche.
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